Do I Look Like I'm Laughing?

One of my bridesmaids is currently studying in France. Her final exams are the week before the wedding and she'll arrive back in the bay area just in time for rehearsal. Yesterday, I got an email from her explaining that, because the university had been shut down for a couple of weeks due to student demonstrations, the semester had been extended two weeks to make up for the time. Since she was already only going to just make the wedding, she wasn't sure that with the new schedule that she could be here. She apologized all over herself and she was going to see what she could do. She thought she could talk to her professors, maybe rearrange some of her finals. She said she was very, very sorry and she would keep me posted.

I cannot begin to explain the immediate and total freakout that followed. My co-worker thought I was going to pass out from hyperventilating. My mind was racing--Could I replace her? Did I need to replace her? If I did replace her, could K or A fit into her dress? Nope, probably not. Could I get another dress in time? Even if I could put a rush on the dress, would there be time for alterations? Could I just order the fabric and have a dress made? Would ordering the fabric at a different time mean a different dye lot? What did I ever do to Nicolas Sarkozy and why does he hate me so?!!!

At this point, I called Bella Bridesmaid and left a voicemail explaining that I was having a bit of a bridesmaid crisis and asking if perchance there was another bride who'd ordered navy blue dresses and how much it would cost to bribe them to purloin one of hers? Or, in the alternative, did they knew any nice, short Japanese girls that wouldn't mind being called S for a day and posing in photographs in exchange for a free meal and a pretty dress? I then started breathing into a paper bag and wondering aloud about the location of the nearest liquor store.

Which is about the time S let me in on the April Fool's joke.

Clearly, she must die. But not until after the wedding, of course.